Lost in Translation

Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
Germany's Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

It's a sign!

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Confucius say...

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Stupid Quotes

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

25 Crazy Thoughts

1. If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
2. When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
3. If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
4. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
5. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
6. How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
7. If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
8. Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
9. When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
10. Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
11. Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
13. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
16. "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
17. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
18. Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
19. Can mute people burp?
20. How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
21. Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
22. Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
23. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
24. Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
25. If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

Oxymoron Top 20

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

Drink and Drive? Crash and Burn

A woman and a man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are alright. This must be a sign from Him that we should be great friends". The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely".
The woman points to a bottle of Scotch on the ground and says "Here's another miracle. My bottle of Scotch somehow didn't break. Surely God wants us to toast our good fortune and cement our new friendship with a drink." The man nods his head in agreement and takes the bottle of Scotch and chugs half of it to calm his nerves. He hands the bottle back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap on and passes it back to him. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Fantasy Football Week 5

This is my team for Week 5. Liverpool and Arsenal aren't playing, so out goes Toure.

Didier Drogba
Against Sunderland? He's just gotta start to score!
Didn't start but scored anyway.

Darren Bent
The man's in form, and might crack the Brum defence. Replaces Owen. Everyone bought, and he just might flop. He wasn't the best against Northern Ireland.
Bingo. The bright spark in a poor match.

Milan Baros
The Hammers' and Villans' defences are quite porous, so I have attacking players from both sides.
Got 10 pts in a disappointing team performance. Why did I sell Harewood!?

Laurent Robert
Can't afford to drop him.
Decent return. Remember what our said about scoring even though Pompey are poor.

Matthew Etherington
Maybe he can reproduce his Week 1 form with Reo-Coker.
Disappointing from Etherington, considering an assist and three crosses.

Tim Cahill
Might get a few on target against Pompey. Hope so.
Poor. No headway against Pompey.

Damien Duff
Between him, SWP, Joe Cole and Robben, I hope he starts.
Got it wrong, but 1 assist raises the score slightly.

Asier Del Horno
Can't afford to drop him.
15 points. Another flawless week

Stephen Taylor
Can he ride the crest of the Newcastle renaissance? Stay tuned. Did well against United.
Missed out on the clean sheet, but this guy has potential.

Nigel Reo-Coker
Please click this week. Getting harder to justify him in the line-up.
Expected more with the clean sheet.

Edwin van der Sar
He'll keep the clean sheet.
Un lucky, but saved brilliantly from Cole at the end.

Birthdays

Why do young people feel their birthdays take forever to come, and old people feel their birthdays just keep coming?

I would make sense that a ten-year old would feel his 11th birthday is taking 10% of his life to come round, but a 50-year old's 51st birthday just takes one-fifth of that time. Hence, the discrepancy.

A three-legged cow?

Q: What has three legs and lives on a farm?

A: Paul McCartney and his wife.

Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem, Target: Antichrist

I read
LaHaye, T., & J. Jenkins. (1999). Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem, target: Antichrist. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

Book 6!

Top 10 signs you're not a powerful celebrity in Singapore

10. You have a baby and nobody cares.
9. Your last TV appearance was on Heartlanders. As a corpse.
8. Your management company wants to refund you your start-up fees and your publicist "accidentally" leaves rival management companies' name cards in your bag.
7. People don't know who you're seeing. And they don't ask.
6. You cannot get a table at McDonald's on a slow day.
5. You've never been asked to perform at any TV charity shows - even though you're an expert sword swallower.
4. You need to show your staff pass, your IC, your parents' birth certificates and get frisked before they let you into MediaCorp studios.
3. The last event you hosted was your heart-warming party, and only your neighbour's kid showed up. To play the Xbox.
2. You've never read about yourself in this magazine...
1. ... until now... You read this list and feel your heart breaknig slowly.

Taken from 8 Days, 25 Aug 2005

Secret Diary

When you were young, you wrote in a diary and went to all measures to stop people from reading it.

Now that you're older, you write in a blog and hope everyone will read it.

Matrimonial testimonial

Here comes the bride
Short, fat and wide
See how she wobbles from side to side

Here comes the groom
All sad and gloom
He's come to this room to meet his doom

Debate

Debate is de thing you put on de hook to catch de fish.

Hollywood Lessons

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Most common Singaporean surnames

1. Tan
2. Lim
3. Lee
4. Ng
5. Ong
6. Wong
7. Goh
8. Chua
9. Chan
10. Koh

The most dangerous food of all

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Mother Nature's PMS

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
On average, right-handed people live nine years longer thatn left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Butterflies taste with their feet.

Apollyon: The Destroyer is unleashed

I read
LaHaye, T., & J. Jenkins. (1999). Apollyon: The Destroyer is unleashed. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

5th book of the Left Behind Series