World's worst roundabouts

Magic Roundabout in Swindon, England


Turbo Roundabout in Holland

Bloody English

Only the English could've invented this language.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese. Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, if I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop? And if people from Poland are called Poles, then people from Holland should be called Hoesl and Germans, Germs.

Euro 2008

Has this been the best tournament so far? Absolutely. Dramatic late goals, remarkable upsets, stunning strikes, and all this with supposedly jaded players and no England!

Holland, Croatia and Turkey have been an absolute revelation in Austria-Switzerland, and you never know quite what to expect from each match.

Take the latest one, for instance. Czech Republic were 2-0 up and cruising when Turkey's Arda Turan showed a remarkably cool 21-year-old head to pick his spot low inside Petr Cech's near post.

Then Nihat Kahveci pounced on Cech's flap at a cross to pull Turkey level. Best keeper in the world? You're having a laugh. Look no further than Edwin van der Sar.

Finally, Nihat broke the despondent Czech offside trap to curl an absolute beauty outside of Cech's reach, off the crossbar and in the top corner.

And I'll tell you what: this isn't and won't be the most dramatic match so far. Arjen Robben's immediate riposte to Thierry Henry's goal in Holland's 4-1 win over France comes to mind. Wesley Sneijder's stunning last-minute goal was a thing to behold. Sneijder for Ronaldo anyone? Croatia's 2-0 ousting of favourites Germany?

This has been a dream of a tournament.