Joke (unoriginal)

What do Tottenham Hotspur and a toothpick have in common?

They both have two points.

Joke (original)

What's the difference between a bad boxer and a zhichar stall helper?

One lacks the punch while the other packs the lunch.

Will it Blend?

Watch as this intrepid BlendTec Inc. blends everything. And I mean everything. Including iPods and cylume sticks. Check out more here.

Studying Law

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Singapore.

Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Singaporeans I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Singaporean comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Beng comes to immigration counter*

Officer: Purpose of visit?
Ah Beng: Study lor.

Management vs Engineers

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."

Jobs, jobs, jobs

For all those who think that you are in a rut.


1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then, I worked as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then,I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I tried to be a photographer but I didn't get much exposure.

11. I became a Fisherman, although I was hooked I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

12. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

13. So then I got a job in a Workout Centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

14. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

15. I was a chauffeur for awhile but didn't have the drive.

16. I became an undertaker but it was a dead-end job.

17. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

18. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB. Man, do I enjoy it! And that's how I got to where I am today!

Lipton tea-ser

How do you form 4 triangles with 6 spoons?

Clue: Think Egypt, Louvre.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four-and-a-half!" You're never thirty-six-and-a-half. You're four-and-a-half, going on five! That's the key.


You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21. YES!


But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?


You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50, and your dreams are gone.


But wait! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!


So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.


You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!


You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."


Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100-and-a-half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100-and-a-half!

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HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them".

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!

Lawyers

Charlotte, North Carolina.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

God of No Mercy

An European tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar.

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two.

The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal balance was maintained.

"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin."

"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.

"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew."

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CAVEAT: Joking only lah, OK?