More gender malfunctions

"Of all the stumbling blocks inherent in learning this language, the greatest for me is the principle that each noun has a corresponding sex that affects both its articles and its adjectives. Because it is female and lays eggs, a chicken is masculine. Vagina is masculine as well, while the word masculinity is feminine. Forced by the grammar to take a stand one way or the other, hermaphrodite is male and indecisiveness female.
I spent months searching for some secret code before I realised that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression: I was told that if something is unpleasant, it's probably feminine. This encouraged me, but the theory was blown by such masculaine nouns as murder, toothache, and Rollerblade. I have no problem learning the words themselves, it's the sexes that trip me up and refuse to stick.
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard. This works until it's time to order and I decide that because it sometimes loses its makeup, a sandwich is undoubtedly feminine.
I just can't manage to keep my stories straight. Hoping I might learn through repetition, I tried using gender in my everyday English. "Hi, guys," I'd say, opening a new box of paper clips, or "Hey, Hugh, have you seen my belt? I can't find her anywhere." I invented personalities for the objects on my dresser and set them up on blind dates.

Nothing in France is free from sexual assignment. I was leafing through the dictionary, trying to complete a homwork asignment, when I noticed the French had prescribed genders for the various land masses and natural wonders er Americans had always thought of as sexless, Niagara Falls is feminine and, against all reason, the Grand Canyon is masculine. Georgia and Florida are female, but Montana and Utah are male. New England is a she, while the vast area er call the Midwest is just one big guy. I wonder whose job it was to assign these sexes in the first place. Did he do the work right there in the sanitarium, or did they rent him a little office where he could get away from all the noise?

Ive started referring to everything in the plural, whcih can get expensive but has solved a lot of my problems. In saying a melon, you need to use the masculine article. In saying the melons, you use the plural article, which does not reflect gender and is the same for moth the masculine and the feminine. Ask for two or ten or three hundred melons, and the number lets you off the hook by replacing the article altogether. A masculine kilo of feminine tomatoes presents a sexual problem easily solved by asking for two kilos of tomatoes. I've started using the plural while shopping, and Hugh has started using it in our cramped kitchen, where he stands huddled in the corner, shouting, "What do we need with four pounds of tomatoes?"

Hugh tells me that the market is off-limits until my French improves. He's pretty steamed, but I think he'll get over it when he sees the CD players I got him for his birthday."


"After graduating from college, he [Hugh] moved to France knowing onlt the phrase "Do you speak French?" - a question guaranteed to get you nowhere unless you also speak the language."
- This one's like only knowing how to ask "Where is the toilet?" in Thai. =]