Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Week 7 review: Fantasy Football

Well done all!

Week 7 has just passed.

Aaron (725 pts) retains 1st place with 71 pts.

The gap is now 97.5 pts as Chongkiat (627.5 pts) retains 2nd place, with Benedict and Hingyau gaining ground.

Benedict (561 pts) clings on to 3rd place, 23 pts ahead of Hingyau (538 pts).

Theophane (509.5 pts) returns the highest Week 7 score of 126.5 pts to rise two places above Edgar (497 pts) and Amos (462 pts).

Benjamin (354.5 pts) rises four places to 9th with the 2nd highest Week 7 score of 102 pts.

Jasmine (376.5 pts) drops one place to 10th, just behind Ben. She's still the highest Week 2 starter.

At the other end, Syafiq proves his team is easily edible with a dismal 32.5-pt tally, the worst this week.

See you next week!

Fantasy Football Week 7

This is my team for Week 7. Del Horno's injured!

Mark Viduka
Sunderland home banker. JFH injured, so he'll definitely play. Has a strong partner in the Yak.
Of all the luck.

Dario Silva
Lively performer. Hope he's Robert-esque.

Darren Bent
WBA's defence isn't the best.

Laurent Robert
Dario Silva might be his lucky charm.

Michael Essien
A Chelsea indulgence. Breaking my vow. But he's still new and replaces del Horno.
The Chelsea man salvages some pride for this week.

Alexei Smertin
The Russian doesn't count as Chelski right? It was him or Rommedahl or Rochemback.
Should have taken Rommedahl.

Jose Antonio Reyes
He should be in the team till Henry returns.

Lee Young-Pyo
Lively left-back should trouble porous Fulham. Clean-sheet chance.
Ended up being my highest scorer.

Jamie Carragher
Solid defensive stats against a Heskey-less Birmingham. Fancy a clean sheet. Said the same for Vignal last week.
Ok lah.

Nigel Reo-Coker
Still doing OK.
Decent total. Can continue.

Jens Lehmann
Arsenal face week opposition over the next few weeks. Hope to keep Lehmann and Reyes intact.
A bit unlucky as he didn't have a save to make.

Monday, September 26, 2005

He who hits last, cries loudest

If your sister hits you, don't hit back; they always catch the second person.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Week 6 review: Fantasy Football

Well done all!

Week 6 has just passed.

Aaron (654 pts) retains 1st place with highest Week 6 score of 115 pts.

The gap is now 102 pts as Chongkiat (552 pts) consolidates 2nd place, with Benedict and Hingyau losing ground..

Benedict (463.5 pts) clings on to 3rd place, just 2 pts ahead of Hingyau (461.5 pts).

Clarence (426 pts) returns the 2nd highest Week 6 score of 97.5 pts to rise three places above Edgar (422.5 pts), Amos (403 pts) and Benedict (390 pts) again. Benjamin (354.5 pts) rises one place to 13th with the 3rd highest Week 6 score.

Jasmine (376.5 pts) moves up another place to 10th, thanks to her fourth-highest weekly score, overwhelming Teckseng (374.5 pts). Theophane (383 pts) is next in her sights. She's still the highest Week 2 starter.

At the other end, Jeremy proves his team is brave just in name with a dismal 44.5-pt tally, the worst this week.

See you next week!

Alternative definitions

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in the way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Tears: The hydraulic force by which male will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Classic: A book which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can sort a lot sort a lot of things straight.
Etc.: A sign to make people believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give their mistakes.
Atomic bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Criminal: Someone stupid enough to get caught.
Optimist: Someone falling from the Eiffel Tower shouting "See? I'm not hurt yet!"
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his ills.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: The process of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing indivuidually sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Taken from The New Paper

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Fantasy Football Week 6

This is my team for Week 6. Henry's injured!

Didier Drogba
Keeping him because it's too costly to sell him. But he's doing ok.
Stupid Crespo. Finally can sell Drogba.

Dario Silva
Illogical choice, but I got a gut feel.
Not too bad. Lively perfomance brings 0 points.

Milan Baros
Played well despite Villa losing 4-0. Double digits will be a good score.
Notches 14 despite a booking. Might have to sell next week: facing Chelsea.

Laurent Robert
Faces weaker opposition in Birmingham. Might score well.
Sterling display. Examplary wing play.

Claus Jensen
Might do well against the Hammers.
Fulham's big danger delivers.

David Whitehead
Has more than a chance against WBA at home.
Scores well. Hunch pays off.

Jose Antonio Reyes
No Henry. Bergkamp will feed him and he will score.
Two assists means a good investment.

Asier Del Horno
Can't afford to drop him though he's injured.
Did not play.

Gregory Vignal
Solid defensive stats against a Heskey-less Birmingham. Fancy a clean sheet.
So-so performance. Disappointing.

Nigel Reo-Coker
Still doing OK.
Decent total. Can continue.

Jens Lehmann
Made a loss on van der Sar, trying Lehmann against an Everton that just can't score.
19 points, thanks to six for just plucking Everton's orbital balls lumped toward Big Dunc

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Neil Gaiman's Other People

"Other People" is a short-short story about a man's descent into Hell. The man arrives with his expensive clothes and arrogant attitude in a long grey room. Along the walls are 211 implements of torture; a demon stands at the far end. The man, who we can only assume was a high-powered businessman in life, who probably broke a few rules and lived more than a little dishonestly to deserve his fate, approaches the demon. The demon, who is deeply scarred, flayed, and missing its ears and its genitalia, takes down from the wall a cat-o'-nine-tails made of frayed wire and beats the businessman with it. The demon explains that time is fluid in this place, implying that the businessman will not be leaving anytime soon.

"In time," the demon tells him, "you will remember even this moment with fondness." [2]

The demon eventually uses all two hundred and eleven torture devices on the businessman, each one worse than the last, until the businessman is a shivering, gibbering wreck. The scars that have been left on his body are deep and painful and indelible. He hurts more than he has ever been hurt before.

But now, the torture really begins.

The demon lays naked every lie the businessman ever told, everything he ever regretted, every hurt he ever inflicted on another. He draws each piece out of the businessman, displaying them for the man to see. This part is very similar to a section near the end of American Gods, where Shadow is met by the dark Egyptian god Anubis:

All of the things that Shadow had done in his life of which he was not proud, all the things he wished he had done otherwise or left undone, came at him then in a swirling storm of guilt and regret and shame, and he had nowhere to hide from them. He was as naked and as open as a corpse on a table, and dark Anubis the jackal god was his prosecutor and his persecutor. [3]

What Anubis does to Shadow, the demon does to the businessman, stripping him raw with his own life. It goes on for a hundred years, or perhaps a thousand—for time is fluid here—and when it is over, the businessman realizes the demon was right. The physical torture was far kinder.

Then it begins again, but with the businessman's sense of self-knowledge that wasn't there before, which makes it all the worse. When it's over, the demon says, "Again," and this time the businessman is exposed to the consequences of his actions, what happened to the people he interacted with after they left his presence. He sees all the ways he has affected other people's lives, and it leaves him with even more self-loathing than before. A thousand years later, he finishes. "Again," the demon says.

This time he experiences his life as he tells it, leaving nothing out, facing everything and everyone he ever hurt. He opens his heart completely. When he finishes, he expects to hear the demon say, "Again," but he is alone. He stands up and looks to the far side of the room, where the only door to the chamber has just opened and closed. A suited figure in expensive and familiar clothes stands there, fear and pride and arrogance in his eyes, and the businessman finally understands. As the suited figure approaches him, the businessman (who now looks an awful lot like a demon) tells the new arrival, "Time is fluid here."

In this instance, the switch isn't between two separate characters, as they appear to be at the beginning, but between two aspects of the same character. The character of the demon is forever the persecutor, inflicting pain and punishment, where the character of the businessman is forever the victim, punished again and again for his actions in life. But as soon as the victim realizes what his situation is, that not only is he being tortured but he is being tortured by himself, the victim becomes the persecutor, and the cyclical process begins again. This is a version of Hell that Gaiman has proposed in some of his other works, including the Sandman storyline Season of Mists, wherein the fallen angel Lucifer reveals that there is no torture that can be inflicted by others that is any worse than what we inflict upon our own minds and bodies. And though the title is a play on the words of Jean-Paul Sartre—"Hell is other people"—the story seems to imply that hell is also ourselves.

Are you happy with your job?

Here are five questions to ascertain if you are happily employed:

1. Does the job allow you to work with individuals who share your sensibilities in life or do you have to put on a persona to get through the day?
2. Does the job leave your brain in neutral?
3. Does the job open the door to future jobs?
4. Does the job represent a huge compromise for the sake of your family, and if so, do you accept that deal with all its consequences?
5. Does the job - the stuff you do day-to-day - touch your heart and feed your soul in meaningful ways?

The sixth is moot:
6. Do you have a job?

Anything but Chelsea

I hereby pledge to sell Drogba by this week, and to boycott Chelsea whenever possible, with the possible exception of del Horno. He's new so he's not really polluted yet. Hate their guts so much I adore Arsenal and Liverpool in comparison. At least Arsenal are good to watch and Liverpool are entertaining to watch too, though in the B-grade kinda way.

Monday, September 19, 2005


Does a FedEx and UPS merger mean the formation of FedUP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If Poland citizens are Poles, are Holland citizens Holes?
If infants have to go through infancy to grow up, do adults have to through adultery to grow up?
Why is your broker one letter away from broke?
If something horrific is horrible, is something terrific terrible?
Why is it a building if it's already built?
If you spin an Oriental person around, does he become disoriented?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Christian Witness

1. World's Christian misconception
2. Christians' worldly indifference

1. Partner with Church (1 Cor 3:6-9) -
Me: Invest & Invite
Church: Intrigue & Introduce
2. Partner with Holy Spirit (Act 1:8; Rom 5:5; 2 Tim 1:7-8)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Girl Poem

Just to balance the sexist nature of the last post. =]

I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cos I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????

I don't have a problem,
With expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

DON'T call me a GIRL,
a BABE or a CHICK .

I am a WOMAN.

Rules from Men!

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Sabrina dan Hafiz

Managed to meet Sabrina, go for checkup, play pool with Hafiz and sell my cue for S$80, all in this Friday. That's what I call effective leave. Really really enjoyed myself. See "Pool god".

Medical Checkup

Just passed my MOE Medical Checkup at Raffles Hospital. Now waiting for letter. A little nervous.

Liverpool vs United

Sunday's the biggie. I'm off to Edgar's place for the 7pm kickoff. I have bought NO Liverpool or United players. Now I can rest easy. No Forlan or Dudek though.

Pool god

Played Hafiz at pool today and won 11-2. On fire man. So hot it burnt a hole in my pocket. :p

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Villarreal vs United

What a waste of time!

Woke up at 0230hrs to catch this bore of a match, and rewarded with mroe petulance from Rooney.

A draw in the end was the fairest result, with a top save from each keeper, and both sides either hitting the woodwork or being thwarted by a goalline clearance. Both were missing their midfield talismans in Juan Roman Riquelme and his slightly faster counterpart Roy Keane.

All this was overshadowed by Wayne Rooney.

If you're childish and you know it, clap your hands...

Be With Me

The theatre was silent: a kind of reverent awe that causes an audience to hold its collective breath, as if standing up to leave would somehow ruin the poignancy of the moment.

There were tears, sure, and also a few lecherous comments about the lesbian kissing scene, but there was the feeling we had witnessed something a little bit special.

Be With Me moved many a festival-hardened critic at Cannes, and it did the same with this particular group of movie-goers fed on Hollywood jumbo fare, upsize please. Somehow I feel this was not unique.

For all of Jack Neo's commercial success, rarely has his hawker fare transcended the Causeway. This is not because of overzealous customs officers but due rather to the non-exportability of his films to Europe and beyond. This is where Eric Khoo stands out.

Far be it from me to label his style art house, but Khoo stands out simply because he understands he audience does not need to be spoon-fed. Weaving three loosely-connected strands around the spool of Theresa Chan's life, Be With Me is a wonderful caricature of love, set in Singapore. Not the other way round, by showcasing Singapore as others are loathe to do.

In a delightful collage of Singapore life, Khoo tells the story clearly and without pretence, while richly immersing even the casual viewer in a collage of faceted distillations. There is no need for a big name to sell the story, as this movie is a labour of love, eager to give but not to receive. In a world of the bottom-line, it is refreshing to see a filmmaker not obsessed with how much his movie will make, or to quantify his success by associating it with simple saleability.

Sure, Ezann Lee and Samantha Tan do add eye candy to the already potent broth, but the truth is this is a totally believable story, with not so much stereotypes, but distillations of Singaporean wants and needs.

Suitably for a film inspired by the deaf and blind Theresa Chan, the movie has a lowered hearing threshold and minimal dialogue, perhaps to reflect this brave woman world. Her thoughts and her story come to you in subtitles. Theresa's acting is so natural; it is almost as if she wasn't acting at all, like she did not even know the camera was there. This is her story, and she's telling it her way.

Eric Khoo is a loving director. He treats the story with the utmost care and priority, sometimes to the chagrin of his producers. With his track record though, Khoo has moved on from the Singapore Film Festival to Cannes, and now back to the Singapore big screen. How ironic that it takes foreign film festivals to validate his obvious story-telling talent.

You notice Seet Keng Yew almost immediately. I've seen this guy somewhere, you think. The truth is that he's seen you. He's your not-so-dependable security guard, voyeuristically monitoring your condominium’s security cameras. I think he's got the best job in the movie: a few lines of dialogue here and there, but eating and sleeping in between. His first line of dialogue was to order an oyster omelette. He draws immediate comparisons with Lim Kay Tong's Harry Lee in Perth: he's relieved from his security job, he wants to beat someone up to correct an injustice but finds he cannot, he is overly taken with a pretty woman he meets in the course of work, he dies from a head wound etc. Perhaps he wants to eat everything in beeeeeautiful Perth too.

His object of desire is played by the delectable Lynn Poh, probably the biggest acting name in the movie, and she isn't even a speaking character. She's not the only delectable one though. What Michelle Goh was in Mee Pok Man, many say Samantha Tan is for Be With Me. How do we know? Look how Khoo is terminally infected with the Loving Lens Syndrome. We see it in Lost in Translation, Japanese flop Option, and now here in Be With Me. Samantha is stretches languorously in bed, checks her SMS in a loose pasar malam Rip Curl spaghetti top, is nuzzled by sometime boyfriend Brian, dances uninhibitedly in a club, blah blah blah. She looks barely legal! But oh yeah, Eric Khoo is smitten.

Likewise, he is smitten with Singapore food. Even if you're blind and deaf, there's so much food in the movie you can even smell it. I mean it's EVERYWHERE. Samantha and Brian eat gelato, the father works in a provision shop and cooks home-cooked meals for a hobby (two portions, since to him his dead wife still eats), Seet Keng Yew eats and eats (noodles, chicken chop, oyster omelette, and stewed pork with bead for a nightcap), and every chef's dream food critic Theresa Chan who says everything's delicious (no comments on presentation though).

Everyone wins in this movie: Seet's character dies and doesn't have to look for a new job. His family has one less to worry about. Samantha can live happily with Brian. Ezann can perhaps start life anew. The father finally puts his wife's death behind him. His wife's spirit rests in peace. Theresa has her story told. The provision shop is open. Marlboro man can buy his cigarettes. The son has a fulfilling job. Eric Khoo has another resounding success. Did I miss anyone out?

Oh yes, the only loser in this movie has to be Siemens. Their unfriendly SMSing function and low-definition screen was highlighted. Their shock-proof phones can't survive six-storey falls (the Nokia 3210 can), and they have damn irritating SMS ring tones.
Thank God no one's Siemens phone barked during that silent, poignant theatre moment.

Week 5 review: Fantasy Football

Well done all!

Week 5 has just passed.

Aaron (539 pts) retains 1st place but his lead is diminishing.

The gap is now only 67 pts as Chongkiat (472 pts) consolidates 2nd place with the second-highest Week 5 score, thanks to an inspired Reyes and Jarosik showing.

Benedict (408.5 pts) snatches 3rd place with the third-highest Week 5 score, just ahead of incumbent Hingyau (405.5 pts).

Edgar (369 pts) returns the highest Week 5 score of 109.5 pts to pull away from Amos (347 pts) in 6th place and put the pressure on Hingyau. His keys to success? Bent, Barton, Gerrard, Baros and Carragher.

Jasmine (287.5 pts) moves up another place to 11th, thanks to her fourth-highest weekly score and copying my team. She's still the highest Week 2 starter.

At the other end, Zikai proves his team is lame in name and character with a measly 24-pt tally, the worst this week.

See you next week!

Personal Anagrams

Aaron Wong: Gnaw on oar
CPL Aaron Wong: Paragon clown; or pagan clown
Wong Chin Wei Aaron: Hi! An Norwegian cow!; Oh Ian! Crowning Awe!;
Jasmine Tang: Jane nags Tim
Jasmine Tang Yuen Har: Athens: Gem in January; Januaries' hymn agent
Nelly Tan Chik Neo: Think cleanly one.
Sharon Wong: Rash on Wong
Angela Tang: An agent lag
Amos Pang: Moan gasp
Keh Chienyung: Hygiene chunk
Edgar Chong: God changer
Sabrina Yazid: Nazi bay raids
Anthea Qiu: Antique ah?
Hafiz Rahman Nordin: Hi Nan, inform hazard
Theophilus Chan Zikai: Huh? Koala citizenship?
Theophane Chan: Phone cheat? Nah.
Agape Community Church: Am occupying much earth; Inaccuracy? Ugh. Mop them.
Moses Sia: Is MOE ass
Pastor Lawrence Koo: RE: Workspace to loan
COL Lam Shiu Tong: Hot lao muscling
Sally Lip: Plays ill
CPL Teo Weepoh: We clothe Pope
SGT Benjamin Chew: Jews bang, men itch
Christian: Rich saint
Atheist: Eat shit
Attorney: No treaty
Teacher: Cheater
President: Is pretend; spider net
Singapore: Prison age; senior gap
Bangladeshi: As lag behind
Indian worker: Worked in rain
Recruit: Curt ire
Lance-Corporal: Clean corporal; Aaron crop cell
Third Sergeant: Shattering red; straighter end; shattered grin
Second Sergeant: Teenaged scorns; No sect's grenades
First Sergeant: Grit fasteners; Fingers taster; Fitness grater
Staff Sergeant: Reg fat fatness
Master Sergeant: Garment's eaters; Are segment's rats; Manager's tester; A tart messenger
Second Warrant Officer: Afterwards confer icon; Fin: No soccer afterward; Finance cost forwarder
First Warrant Officer: Warrants forcer if fit; Warrants terrific off
Master Warrant Officer: Craft warranties for me!
Senior Warrant Officer: Forewarns are friction
Second Lieutenant: Unselected nation
Lieutenant: Until eaten
Captain: At panic; Act pain
Lieutenant-Colonel: No intellectual one; Let one lone lunatic
Brigadier-General: Badgering earlier
Major-General: Nearer logjam; Major gleaner; Major enlarge; RE: Lame jargon
Lieutenant-General: Let Lenin guarantee; Lean eagle nutrient

Football Anagrams

Manchester United: It's them endurance; Manicured the nets; Authentic red's men
Arsenal FC: Franc sale
Chelsea FC: Self-cache
Liverpool FC: Poll for vice

Ruud van Nistelrooy: Nervously around it; Involuntary soured
Wayne Rooney: Wee! Annoy Roy!; No wary eye on
Cristiano Ronaldo: No oral indicators; Snail coordinator; No sardonic tailor; Not railroads icon
Jose Mourinho: Rejoin us, homo!
Arsene Wenger: Enrage renews
Eric Cantona: Cocaine rant; Eric on an act; Nice! An actor!
Patrick Vieira: Riveira? Pack it!
Dennis Bergkamp: Sparking bend 'em!
Zinedine Zidane: Die, Nazi denizen!
Roberto Carlos: Al robot scorer
Alan Shearer: Nasal hearer; Hear Arsenal
Michael Owen: Ah! Welcome in!
Daivd Beckham: Ham dived back
Graeme Souness: Generous seams; Me generous ass!; Go see surnames; Sesame surgeon; Amuses Negroes; Same nurses' ego; Mass gore ensue
Darren Bent: Rented barn
Milan Baros: Is abnormal
Didier Drogba: Odd brigadier; Dodge air bird; Odd air bridge; Rigid roadbed
Laurent Robert: Returnable rot; Errant trouble; Returner to lab; Born turtle era
Damien Duff: Dead muffin; Dim, deaf fun; Dud fame: Fin.
Asier del Horno: Shoreline road; Healers in odor; Ladies' honorer; No isle hoarder; No Shearer idol
Nigel Reo-Coker: Corking eel roe; Generic looker
Edwin van der Sar: Invaders warned; Iran dwarves' den

English Premiership: Perishing, help 'em Sir!
Serie A: Easier
Italian Serie A: It is alien area
Primera Liga: Grim pile area
Bundesliga: Bungle aids

Faith lessons on the death and resurrection of Jesus the Messiah

vander Laan, R. (1996). Volume four: Faith lessons on the death and resurrection of Jesus the Messiah: Study guide. Colorado Springs, CO: Focus on the Family.

Midweek Service and ALG material

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Quotable Quotes

Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself.
Happiness is felt by making other people happy.
You have ONE advantage over can kiss my ass and I can't!
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" - Homer J. Simpson
Most people learn by observation, and there are the few who learn by experimentation. And then there are those who actually TOUCH the fire to see if it's really hot.
Never hire a colorblind electrician.
Reality is an illusion created by lack of alcohol.
Sinning wouldn't be so popular if it's wages were paid immediately.
Its ok to kiss a fool, its ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you!
Only after the last tree has been cut down, only after the last river has been poisoned, only after the last fish has been caught, only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten.
I can resist anything but temptation.
If the first grape you eat is bitter then you will not bother eating grapes again. If the first grape you eat is a sweet one then you will be willing to eat a lot of bitter grapes in search of another sweet one.
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." - Bilbo Baggins (The Fellowship of the Ring: J.R.R. Tolkien)
"All who wander are not lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. - Thomas Jefferson

Answer the Phone

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep.

Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished.

Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):
I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your
name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.

Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it... *beep*

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Roses are red, boogers are green, please leave your message on this stupid machine.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Famous Last Words

One time at band camp.
Nice doggy.
Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital.
"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".
So, you're a cannibal.
Pull the pin and count to what?


I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Pickup Lines

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
I must be in heaven because I'm standing next to you!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You must be from out of space cause I can see the stars in your eyes.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say...
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!
Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?
Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.
You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] ... I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Pick up a pack of sugar that actually says, "sugar" on it and say, "You dropped your nametag!".
What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Bumper Stickers

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Don't drink and drive: you might spill your beer.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
WARNING: in case of rapture, this car will be driverless.
We didn’t lose... we just ran out of time.
When you pee in a toilet, you wipe the seat; when you pee in the woods, you wipe your feet!
I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down.
"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell Ernonimus" - Unknown
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom: You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!
Suburbia - where they cut down trees and name streets after them
Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS

Lost in Translation

Acapulco hotel sign: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
Finnish washroom faucet: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
Germany's Black forest sign: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

It's a sign!

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card: If you cannot read this card...
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.

Confucius say...

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
He who eats to many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Stupid Quotes

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

25 Crazy Thoughts

1. If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
2. When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?
3. If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
4. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
5. Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
6. How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
7. If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
8. Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
9. When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
10. Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
11. Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
13. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
16. "Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
17. Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
18. Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
19. Can mute people burp?
20. How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
21. Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
22. Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
23. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
24. Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
25. If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?

Oxymoron Top 20

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

Drink and Drive? Crash and Burn

A woman and a man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are alright. This must be a sign from Him that we should be great friends". The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely".
The woman points to a bottle of Scotch on the ground and says "Here's another miracle. My bottle of Scotch somehow didn't break. Surely God wants us to toast our good fortune and cement our new friendship with a drink." The man nods his head in agreement and takes the bottle of Scotch and chugs half of it to calm his nerves. He hands the bottle back to the woman, who immediately puts the cap on and passes it back to him. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Fantasy Football Week 5

This is my team for Week 5. Liverpool and Arsenal aren't playing, so out goes Toure.

Didier Drogba
Against Sunderland? He's just gotta start to score!
Didn't start but scored anyway.

Darren Bent
The man's in form, and might crack the Brum defence. Replaces Owen. Everyone bought, and he just might flop. He wasn't the best against Northern Ireland.
Bingo. The bright spark in a poor match.

Milan Baros
The Hammers' and Villans' defences are quite porous, so I have attacking players from both sides.
Got 10 pts in a disappointing team performance. Why did I sell Harewood!?

Laurent Robert
Can't afford to drop him.
Decent return. Remember what our said about scoring even though Pompey are poor.

Matthew Etherington
Maybe he can reproduce his Week 1 form with Reo-Coker.
Disappointing from Etherington, considering an assist and three crosses.

Tim Cahill
Might get a few on target against Pompey. Hope so.
Poor. No headway against Pompey.

Damien Duff
Between him, SWP, Joe Cole and Robben, I hope he starts.
Got it wrong, but 1 assist raises the score slightly.

Asier Del Horno
Can't afford to drop him.
15 points. Another flawless week

Stephen Taylor
Can he ride the crest of the Newcastle renaissance? Stay tuned. Did well against United.
Missed out on the clean sheet, but this guy has potential.

Nigel Reo-Coker
Please click this week. Getting harder to justify him in the line-up.
Expected more with the clean sheet.

Edwin van der Sar
He'll keep the clean sheet.
Un lucky, but saved brilliantly from Cole at the end.


Why do young people feel their birthdays take forever to come, and old people feel their birthdays just keep coming?

I would make sense that a ten-year old would feel his 11th birthday is taking 10% of his life to come round, but a 50-year old's 51st birthday just takes one-fifth of that time. Hence, the discrepancy.

A three-legged cow?

Q: What has three legs and lives on a farm?

A: Paul McCartney and his wife.

Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem, Target: Antichrist

I read
LaHaye, T., & J. Jenkins. (1999). Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem, target: Antichrist. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

Book 6!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Top 10 signs you're not a powerful celebrity in Singapore

10. You have a baby and nobody cares.
9. Your last TV appearance was on Heartlanders. As a corpse.
8. Your management company wants to refund you your start-up fees and your publicist "accidentally" leaves rival management companies' name cards in your bag.
7. People don't know who you're seeing. And they don't ask.
6. You cannot get a table at McDonald's on a slow day.
5. You've never been asked to perform at any TV charity shows - even though you're an expert sword swallower.
4. You need to show your staff pass, your IC, your parents' birth certificates and get frisked before they let you into MediaCorp studios.
3. The last event you hosted was your heart-warming party, and only your neighbour's kid showed up. To play the Xbox.
2. You've never read about yourself in this magazine...
1. ... until now... You read this list and feel your heart breaknig slowly.

Taken from 8 Days, 25 Aug 2005

Secret Diary

When you were young, you wrote in a diary and went to all measures to stop people from reading it.

Now that you're older, you write in a blog and hope everyone will read it.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Matrimonial testimonial

Here comes the bride
Short, fat and wide
See how she wobbles from side to side

Here comes the groom
All sad and gloom
He's come to this room to meet his doom


Debate is de thing you put on de hook to catch de fish.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Hollywood Lessons

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Most common Singaporean surnames

1. Tan
2. Lim
3. Lee
4. Ng
5. Ong
6. Wong
7. Goh
8. Chua
9. Chan
10. Koh

The most dangerous food of all

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Mother Nature's PMS

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
On average, right-handed people live nine years longer thatn left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Butterflies taste with their feet.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Apollyon: The Destroyer is unleashed

I read
LaHaye, T., & J. Jenkins. (1999). Apollyon: The Destroyer is unleashed. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

5th book of the Left Behind Series