Town Council to Start Own Casino by Nyonya Kway (must be Talking Cock)

After its sinking fund investment, um, sank, Bukit Gorblok Town Council intends to recoup its losses by starting its own casi… sorry, sorry, integrated resort.

“Since Marina Bay Sands is facing problems, we may have a window of opportunity,” said Bukit Gorblok Town Council (BGTC) spokeswoman Ms Betty Ng.

Ms. Ng revealed earlier this month that they had invested a portion of the estate’s sinking fund, supposed to be deployed for maintenance and upgrading, into high risk equities like DBS High School Musical Notes 5, and Lemon Brothers Minibombs.

When asked why a non-profit organization like a town council would want to take such huge risks with residents’ money, especially for paltry returns like 3% p.a., Ms. Ng replied, “We take our cue from the Gahmen. To succeed in Singapore, you must follow the Lee men. So of course we invested in Lehman, lah.”

But now that the global economic crisis has wiped their investments out, BGTC isn’t just shrugging its shoulders and accepting the situation as just “L.L.”, said Ms. Ng.

“We’ve come up with a solution we think will earn all our money back.” BGTC will be starting its own casino.

“It makes a lot of sense,” said Ms. Ng. “In our constituency, everybody is suffering – hawkers, shopkeepers, residents. But one business attracts long lines every week, week after week – the 4D booth. This tells us something.”

According to Ms Ng, BGTC has entered into joint ventures with several experts in the local gambling scene, such as the Chap Sar Tiam Tattooed Blood Brother Society of Geylang Lorong 69. “I don’t have too much information about them at the moment,” said Ms. Ng in response to press inquiries. “They’re society is a bit secretive.”

BGTC will offer less luxurious, but still appealing gambling options to customers. “Maybe we won’t have a roulette wheel or baccarat salon, lah. But we think people will still come and place money at our mahjong, chapjikee and paikow tables, and also our own innovation – Texas Hold’em Cheekupak.”

Aside from gambling, there will also be other entertainments, Ms. Ng promised, “like karaoke, peidu mamas and shih-tzu massage, where customers can have their bodies rubbed all over with a small dog.”

BGTC has also planned to limit the deleterious social effects that gambling might have on its own residents. “So we’re going to charge all residents extra $50. If you come from Toa Payoh or Sengkang, can just come in and puak, but local residents, too bad.”

BGTC will have its ribbon cutting ceremony next week, officiated by MP and Senior Mini-star of State for Boring Affairs Dr. Potongaji Salaribigwan. “Dr. Potongaji has also kindly agreed to place the first bet,” said Ms. Ng. “His office says he needs to make up for his pay being cut somehow.”

And what about BGTC’s casino’s name?“We thought that since Marina Bay Sands will be delayed,” said Ms. Ng. “We would call ours Kanina Bay Hands.”