Neil Humphreys' Be My Baby

‎"My excited wife cried, craving her head left and right and waddling slightly from side to side like a disoriented penguin."

‎"We giggled like cheeky cherubs and danced around the bathroom to Judy Garland - once my wife had pulled up her trousers."

""What? What is it? What have you seen? What does it say? You've looked at it before me, haven't you? I told you not to do that. Well, what does it say then?" My wife often does this: Argue with herself and win."

‎"Checking over both shoulders, I skulked down the aisles for several minutes, taking a disturbing level of interest in underarm deodorant, while waiting for an elderly man to make a final decision on the colour of a toothbrush." - On buying a pregnancy test kit

‎"There is a laid-back calmness, a certain serenity even, where unchecked jubilation and hysteria should be. After 15 years of waiting for the doctor to say yes, I fear a sense of anticlimax sneaking up and I'm struggling to deal with it. This is not how I'm supposed to feel." - On news of his wife's pregnancy

‎"Now she rubs more than Aladdin." - On his wife's propensity for belly-rubbin

"Yes, there was a family called the Kerrs who had the bright idea of naming their son Wayne."

"When this is all over, I'm gonna feel like a conductor's baton waving about in the Royal Albert Hall." - On the expansion of his wife's cervix during delivery

"After several fruitless phone calls, I concluded an obstetrician's duties included hiring obstreperous receptionists." - On a frustrating search for someone to deliver the baby

‎"She once slipped on our wet, tiled kitchen floor, forgetting that she herself had mopped it just five minutes earlier." - Neil Humphreys on his wife's genetic bumbling
I know someone like that.

‎"I heard the toilet flush in my wife's second home before he waddled in, hands permanently stuck to the back of her hips." - Neil Humphreys on his wife's active bladder

‎"We needed whites, according to my wife, lots of whites. White is the new black for sexless babies. We're gonna have a bouncing baby ghost." - Neil Humphreys on buying clothes for his baby whose sex he does not want to know

‎"One particular boy's tee displayed all the symbols of popular Australian sports: a cricket bat, footy boot, golf club. Where I grew up, that was a list of weapons." - on the unoriginality of children's clothing

‎"Nursing bras tend to come in three sizes: large, extra large and parachute."


"He likes to read and write?! Was that the best you could come up with?" I hissed. "You might as well have said that I live sand and water play too!" - on his wife's introduction of him at a parenting class


"My mother always said I had a great face for radio."


"She now leaves notes everywhere, detailing the day's agenda and any outstanding errands or engagements in a paranoid bid to stop her mind unraveling. She is turning into Guy Pearce in Memento." - on third-trimester pregnancy amnesia or mommy brain


"The pelvic floor muscles have enough to concern themselves with at the moment and a sudden increase in abdominal pressure from laughing may allow a few drops of urine to squeeze through. Being a caring husband, I'm taking this additional responsibility seriously by making her laugh as often as possible."


"... as welcome as a fart in an astronaut's suit."


A midwife had handwritten 'wife - vegetarian' and 'husband - author'. What was its relevance? Perhaps the tools of my profession will be of some service during the birth. Perhaps Dr Derek's head will pop out at the end of the bed and shout, "We need to get this baby out now! I need a clamp, scissors and a couple of funny paragraphs!"


Baby-themed CD: Be My Baby, Sweet Child of Mine, Ice Ice Baby, Hot Me Baby One More Time, Final Countdown, Under Pressure, Push It


Only 5% of women deliver on their expected due dates.


"Wait. Stop the car," she replied, suddenly clutching her tummy with both hands. "What? What is it?" I said, executing an emergency stop in the middle of the deserted road. "Look," my wife exclaimed. "There's a load of kangaroos grazing over there." I almost bloody left here there.


Moments later, after a particularly hefty push, I let go of my wife's leg to kiss her gently on the forehead, only to watch it flop spectacularly off the bed and swing limply over the side. "Neil, my leg is numb from the epidural," my wife screamed. "If you want this baby, I suggest you go pick up my leg and bring it back!"


Tokophobia = fear of childbirth


Five reasons why a baby cries - hunger, pain, tiredness, dirty diaper, hot/cold


To-do: Glucola test for gestational diabetes, TENS, antenatal classes