WORDS FOR THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE WORDS BUT DON’T

Accordionated
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

Aqualibrium
n. The point where the stream of water cooler water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or squirting himself in the face.

Carperpetuation
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a piece of lint or string at least a dozen times, reaching down and picking it up, examining it, then putting it down again to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect
v. To sterilise a piece of candy dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.

Ecnalubma
n. A rescue vehicle that can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.

Eleceleration
n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button, the faster it will arrive.

Frust
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across a room, until he decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Neonphancy
n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

Phonesia
n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom yoy wre calling just as they answer.

Telecrastination
n. The act of letting the phone ring at least twice before picking it up, even though you’re right next to it.

POLAR BEAR

There was once a polar bear cub that was being taken out to hunt for food by his father. They spent all day searching for food. The father bear eventually caught a seal that they shared. After a long trek home, the baby bear asked his father, “Daddy, am I a polar bear?” Father bear replied: “Of course you are, son. I’m a polar bear, your mother’s a polar bear, and you’re a polar bear.” No more was said that night.

The next day the baby bear was taken out hunting again. This time father bear caught a huge fish. Again after a long trek home, the baby bear asked his father, “Daddy, am I a polar bear?” Father bear replied: “Of course you are, son. My parents were polar bears, I’m a polar bear, your mother’s a polar bear, of course you’re a polar bear.” No more was said that night.

The next day they went hunting again. This time father bear caught a huge penguin. Again after a long trek home, the baby bear asked his father, “Daddy, am I a polar bear?” Father bear replied: “Look son, what’s all this nonsense? I’ve explained all this, why on earth do you think you may not be a polar bear?”

The baby bear replied, “Because I’m bloody freezing!”

Sign outside a fictional handphone repair shop:

3 Simple Options!!!

You want it cheap and good, it won't be fast.

You want it cheap and fast, it won't be good.

You want it fast and good, it won't be cheap.

I'm earning $370 now, but that'll be bumped up to $390 come 10 Jun. Then hopefully I'll be promoted to Corporal soon?

I've got risk, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, Bomberman, Super Mario, among other games on my office PC, perfect for saturdays! =]

Reality according to Hollywood:

A baseball player on the plate can look up into a crowd of thousands, and immediately spot their loved one. The pitcher will politely wait for him to wave, and flash him a look of determination, before he throws the pitch.

A detective can only solve a case when he has been suspended from duty.

All grocery bags contain at least one baguette.

Breakups can be resolved by chasing the other person down the street, embarrassing them at work, or turning up at the airport just before they board their flight. Awwwwww.

As you know, this week just elapsed was Secretaries' Week. And wasn't it sweet when a CO so sweetly commented to my Comd's PA: "Without you I can't play golf." Sure makes life worth living.

And Bill Watterson demonstrated his knack for understanding NSFs by saying through Calvin, his 6-year-old alter-ego: "A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do."

Here's more food for thought, especially for war-mongers. Interestingly, the word "monger" comes from the French word mongue, or "to eat". Do we really live on conflict made so palatable?
"War doesn't determine who's right - it determines who's left."

OK good news!
For the NDP Pre-Parade Show this year, the narrative for the mass display item by boon lay sec will be written by yours truly! small part, yes, but contributing to NDP 04 nonetheless!

Oh i remember the third thing liao!

Just wanted to say my previous skepticism over the Passion of the Christ, while not entirely wrong, requires considerable revision. While the film personally touched me, to the point of unembarrassed bawling, this one's not really for non-Christians. I believe after questions have been raised and curiosities piqued, it's our job as Christians to do our part and help them understand why Christ did everything he did for us. After all that He did, it's the least we can do. =]

OK since i can only remember two things then i guess i'll address two things then.

I'm really super duper chuffed that i can attend church camp this year, esp since i missed last year's cos of BMT. We're going to the Islamic stronghold of Terengganu, so i guess we have to dress more modestly. could be tricky. Can't wait for the South China sea breeze to blow in my face, watch the sun rise over the water, but knowing all this, i'll probably be allocated a mountain view of the golf course. Hope the committee will accede to a joint request for me and Theo to bunk together. Dunno what citeria they use, but I guess it amkes sense if two people agree to bunk together, then they'd be happiest there. Who doesn't like happy campers? whereas if you're bunked with someone new for the purpose of mentoring, then perhaps that should be left for a time when you're not relaxing and having fun? looking forward to playing beach soccer, goalposts included, and it'll be a perfectly utilised 5.5 days leave. also looking forward to playing giant checkers, where you make up the pieces. can imagine the immobility of the king! aside from all this, also looking forward to some funny skits put up on the last day (if there is), or some Agape pageantry. All in all I'm already looking forward to it, drooling about it.

On another note, my commander has spoken to me regarding my posting. turns out that when he interviewed me in january when i first came in, i mentioned i'd love the opportunity to write. God bless him! he remembered! But i found myself so settled in here at 2 SIB, that i didn't really want to move. so they were planning to move me over to do some writing for NDP and the 6 Div newsletter, but i didn't really want to. realise this is really my home for the next 2 years. so i told comd that I probably have no urge to write during my national service, unless it's for Pioneer mag (that $0.40 mag you throw away each month, NSFs). I mean what for I write, when i won't learn anything from what i write? I wanna actually learn from my writing! Hence he said he'd retain me since i wished to. ain't that nice? Thank God for planning this out, and giving me such a nice boss. but let's not talk about the female boss. I've been going for medical appointments both at the medical centre and the national skin centre cos the skin got worse, got a skin infection, plus trying to get further downgraded all at the same time, so feel a bit paiseh abt taking so many hours off. but just a bit lah. once everything clears up, i'll settle down to work properly.

All around me, I see God's blessings in my life. Perhaps it's time for me to spread some of it around, by being an encourager. Also I wanna witness to somebody this year. OK gotta go. time to watch EPL highlights in bunk, bathe, then play Winning Eleven 7 on PS2!!! =]

Three things I want to address here: Church Camp, my posting, and erm.... dang what's the last thing? oh no i can't remember! this post is embargoed till when i CAN remember! =[

just for the record, SMRT taking away dustbins on the guise of preventing terrorists putting in dustbins is just dumb. i spent my journey home clutching a chocolate wrapper, just because stoopid SMRT bigwigs don't realise terrorists can also stuff bombs elsewhere, like in cutesy-looking teddy bears. suddenly Kalm's are abettors to the Jemaah Islamiyah huh?

Can just imagine the exchange:

CEO: OK next item on the agenda. The gahmen asking us what we're doing about the terrorist threat.
Board member: What terrorist threat? we got cameras what. no need to record some more, our staff have been voted most alert by our in-house mag. (pauses for a moment to let implausibility sink in)
CEO: But LTA still wants more measures. nowadays boms can be hidden ANYWHERE.
Board member: yah lor. Dustbin also can (pauses again for implausibility)
CEO: OMG. a terrorist threat has been staring us in the face all the while!
Board member: (feigns shock and conceals surprise at acceptance of off-the-cuff remark) we must remove them immediately!
CEO: Great idea!
LOgical board member: but where will people throw rubbish? our stations must remain clean.
BOard member (who wants to "score points"): Hai yah! what's more important? safety or cleanliness? Some more i just read our youth are getting more concerned over public issues. surely they'll sacrifice holding on to their litter for the knowledge that they're helping to prevent a terrorist attack!
CEO: yahh my son is like that. true true. Let's do it. SAve money on dustbins too. then we can justify another price hike citing security measures.
BOard member (who wants to "angkat bola"): you're brilliant.
CEO beams beatifically.

Hence the disappearance of our dustbins. what next? EZ link cards can be flung by terrorists and might injure passengers. How? How? Wait for next board meeting lor, with illustrated scenario by powerpoint by siao on board member.

Bad decision guys.

RESTRICTED
Presenting, after 6 months and 21 days as a chao Private, chao Lance-Corporal Aaron Wong!
For his valiant efforts, he has been given a mammoth pay raise of... $20. Hooray.
I think I spent more buying and sewing the epaulettes.

Meanwhile there remains some uncertainty over whether I'm staying as Comd runner, or going over to 6 Div to be a PA. I'd really like to stay, my friends all being here, so we'll see. Must try to make it pretty obvious I want to stay. =]

Everyone almost got conned into moving there under the impression I'd be writing for 6 Div newsletter and NDP, but spoiled their evil plan to steal me! haha! ahem nvm...
RESTRICTED

Arsenal vs. Manchester United, 3 Apr 2004, Villa Park, FA Cup Semi-final

SAVED OUR SEASON! by Aaron Wong

Manchester United finally gave their suffering fans something to celebrate when they edged bitter rivals Arsenal 1-0 with an opportunistic strike from Paul Scholes. The England midfielder's 32nd minute howitzer means only First Division Millwall stands between United and their first FA Cup victory at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff.

Sir Alex Ferguson's amazing recod in domestic cup semi-finals continued with his tenth consecutive triumph, as United ground out a narrow win despite the absence of arguably their top two strikers and best defender. If not the best then certainly the most expensive - ₤62.8m of talent was conspicuously absent fromt the United team-sheet.

While United weer without Rio Ferdinand, Ruud van Nistelrooy and Louis Saha because they were suspended, injured and sup-tied respectively, Arsene Wenger's omission of Jose Antonio Reyes and Thierry Henry was borne of impudence, not incapacity.

As it happened, it seemed Wenger's gamble had paid off, as Arsenal exploded off the blocks, and could have gone 3-0 up within the first five minutes. Dennis Bergkamp, Edu and Kolo Toure were the villains, and United goalkeeper Roy Carroll the hero, as three gilt-edged chances were spurned by the usually clinical Gunners. Perhaps the difference was that Premiership top scorer Henry was not on hand to punish United.

As early as the third minute, Arsenal were presented with a chane by United's helter-skelter defensive positioning. Bergkamp was put through on the left, but by the time he had engineered a left foot snapshot, Carroll was already there to save with his feet. Perhaps Henry or Reyes's superior pace might have resulted in a more comfortable finishing position.

As the Dutchman collected the loose ball, Carroll was stranded, and torn between going for Bergkamp or scurrying back to cover the open goal. He did neither, and Bergkamp was able to curl a low shot towards goal on his natural right foot. but in the time that the United custodian had forced Bergkamp to take the extra touch to steady himself, Wes Brown had fallen back to clear with a diving header.

Almost immediately though, Arsenal worked the ball to Edu on the edge of the area. The Brazilian, in the form of his life this season, gracefully lifted the ball with his left foot and snt it arcing over the still shaken Carroll. Die-hard United fans may argue that despite the distinctly uncomfortable nature of the shot, the Northern Irishman had the lob covered. But anyway the shot hit the crossbar and went straight up in the air.

With the United defence still ball watching it seemed inevitable Toure would put the Gunners deservedly ahead, with Carroll still sprawled on the ground from the earlier attempt. The Ivory Coast international placed his header to the keeper's left. Being in the six-yard box with the keeper taken out of the equation, who could blame him? The shout was already in every Gooner's throat, but they dod not take into account Roy Carroll rising from the turf in the manner that he did. Flying through the air and seemingly defying gravity, he clawed the ball away from under the bar.

At that point it was hard to tell who drew the greater confidence from that amazing two-minute sequence, but suffice to say, the Red Devils were awoken from their stupor.

Soon after that, United had a chance of their own as Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was released down the left, exploiting lauren's over-exuberant attacking commitment. But the Norwegian failed to stretch Jens Lehmann.

Ferguson's decision to unleash what must be seen as two of the Premiership's most feared wide men in Ryan Giggs and Cristiano Ronaldo stretched the Arsenal defence to breaking point. Teenage left back Gael Clichy in particular was being given a torrid examination by United's Portuguese wunderkind, and was booked for bringing another slalom surge to a clumsy conclusion.

Despite Ronaldo's lack of experience, being only 18 and having arrived only this season from the supposedly weaker Portuguese league (how Porto would scoff at this inference), Ronaldo's impact has been nothing short of spectacular. And on this display, he isn't shy to do it in the big games too.

While United had at least restored parity, Arsenal were still imperious whenever they had the ball, Fredrik Ljungberg should have done better in the 15th minute when he scuffed his shot.

United were hungrier and more desperate to win, the FA Cup being their last realistic hope for silverware this season. It appeared they had had remedial training at Carrington as well, as Giggs and Scholes executed a well-rehearsed free-kick routine. Both ran toward the ball simultaneously, turned away at the last instant in mock embarrassment, before Scholes suddenly turned and delivered a stinging ball in to the box that Arsenal just managed to clear. It was clear United were getting more confident.

In their last meeting, United harried and hassled Arsenal to a 1-1 draw, despite being outplayed for long periods. United stuck to the same game plan, this time with greater effect, as United's physical approach put Arsenal's aristocrats out of their stride.

Tackles were flying in from all over the place, and ironically it was Ronaldo who was on the receiving end of a bad tackle. He had to limp off to receive treatment, to the trepidation of the United bench. Though he was back on in minutes, he seemed to be gingerly trynig his leg out, and the worry was that the Red Devils' most potent weapon would have to be taken off.

That proved to be the least of United's worries, as what should have been a straightforward clearance by Mickael Silvestre went horribly wrong as the ball accidentally brushed his hand. 'Handball!' screamed the Arsenal fans, players and infamously myopic manager in unison, but the referee waved play on. Another fortunate incident, and perhaps it could turn out to be United's day, even more so as Pires ballooned a free header in the six-yard box.

And so it proved in the 32nd minute, as the ball was worked to a roving Ryan Giggs, this time on the right wing. Having got in behind the United rearguard, the opportunity was there for Giggs to shoot on his favourite left foot, but instead he looked for the opening.

Playing the ball a stride behind the desperately retreating Arsenal defence, the Welshman picked out Scholes, who made no mistake from 15 yards. With no player closing Scholes down, Lehmann was left stranded as the ball exploded off Scholes's right foot and billowed the German's net.

Having done so well initially, this sucker punch was a low blow to Arsenal, and they trooped dejectedly upfield as their opponents congregated in delirium. Eventually someone reminded them they still had 58 minutes to go, and now they faced ARsenal with renewed confidence.

it is said a team is most vulnerable immediately after they've scored, and it almost proved the case again. The largely anonymous Jeremie Aliadiere played a first-time ball into Ljungberg's path barely two minutes later, and if not for Silvestre's timely intervention, the Swede would have been through.

Arsenal were finishing the half strongly, but their weakness in the air was exposed as no one converted a flurry of corners and crosses. So on United's throw of the dice, Darren Fletcher took charge.

It seems every young British Manchester United midfielder with a right foot is being compared to a young David Beckham, but you can't go too wrong with young Scottish tyke Fletcher. Certianly on the lightweight side, and heavily dependent on his right foot as the England captain was, Fletcher's passing range belies one so young.

With five minutes to go to a well-earned half-time break, the United youth academy graduate lofted an exquisite through ball to release Ronaldo behind Clichy again. Although Ronaldo's low cross was cleared, Arsenal could scarcely allow United such expediency on the ball.

United survived a last-minute scare, just to jog their manager's pacemaker, as Roy Keane, under pressure from fellow skipper Patrick Vieira, headed against the foot of the post with Carroll stranded. United were riding their luck, but at least they had ridden it to the halfway mark.

United stuck with the system that served them well in the second half, with Solskjaer as the lone striker, but his rustiness showed as his first touch failed him on several occasions.

Five minutes into the half, and the match had its forst real moment of controversy. As Bergkamp burst into the box, he went down under presure with red shirts all around him, and he appealed for a penalty. John O'Shea berated Bergkamp for diving, and rightly so, as the replays proved.

Somwhow Wenger must have caught on that the Bergkamp-Aliadiere partnership wasn not working, and so on 58 minutes, he threw on his not-so-secret weapons, Henry and Reyes.

Other teams may have capitulated at the sight of those two coming fresh off the bench, but then United are hardly just another team. United stuck to their guns and continued to apply stifling presure on the outnumbered Arsenal midfield at every opportunity.

It seemed to work as Arsnal became increasingly desperate, the likes of Edu and Henry resorting to pot shots from 30 yards out. Perhaps henry's superlative strike the last time these two met was still fresh in his mind? This time though, Carroll remained untroubled.

The match threatened to boil over as goalscorer Scholes was about two weeks late with a knee-high studs-first challenge on Reyes. Arsenal soon forgot about that though, as two minutes later, Silvestre continued his passable impression of Liverpool defender Stephane Henchoz as the ball struck his hand in full view of the referee, but again the man in black shook his head.

United's resolute defending continued to frustrate the rudderless Gunners, and Lauren got himself into the referee's book with 10 minutes to go. Ronaldo concluded a good day at the office, coming off for David Bellions to give United a more balanced 4-4-2 formation.

Though it was slightly nervy at the end, the disconsolate Gunners lacked the ammunition, even with four strikers with Nwankwo Kanu's introduction.

A hearty handshake between both managers, not dissimilar to their animated gesticulations at flash points of the match, seemed a fitting way to end an engaging battle between England's finest.

It also ended Arsenal's dream of emulating United's 1999 Treble, but there was no denying the hungrier side had won. manchester United will be going to Cardiff, favourites to lift the FA Cup. Their season is saved.

Hey I'm gonna be posted to G1 Branch at 6 Division to be the G1 PA. One guy just commented "What a job..." when I told him. Oh dear. What is in store for the intrepid PTE Aaron, soon to be Lance-Corporal wef Friday 16 Apr? We'll see. Alright, you can call me la* jia* peng now. =]