Alternative definitions

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in the way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Tears: The hydraulic force by which male will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Classic: A book which people praise but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can sort a lot sort a lot of things straight.
Etc.: A sign to make people believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give their mistakes.
Atomic bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Criminal: Someone stupid enough to get caught.
Optimist: Someone falling from the Eiffel Tower shouting "See? I'm not hurt yet!"
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his ills.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Lecture: The process of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing indivuidually sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Taken from The New Paper