Sound Advice for Super Villains

So you’ve watched Star Wars Episode III and are all inspired to become a cool baddie like Darth Vader. Here are some tips before you embark on your new career of evil:


1. When you’ve trapped a hero, don’t waste time revealing your complicated secret plot. Just faster kill the guy!

2. And don’t go and arrow some stupid underling to kill him either while you go and do other things. They’re bound to cock it up, so do it yourself!

3. Assassinations lah, aiming death rays from space lah, holding important people hostage lah – all a bit leceh. There are much easier ways to take over the world for personal financial gain. Have you tried MLM?

4. When setting off a bomb or explosive, fix the timer so it goes off, say, five seconds early, because the chao hero usually manages to defuse it two seconds before it blows.

5. Don’t carry around bags with big dollar signs on them, because it makes it easy to spot you.

6. The Speak Good English Movement is your friend. Name one credible super villain who speaks like an Ah Beng. All the really powderful baddies speak with super chiak kantang English accents.

7. When locking up your hero, don’t put him in some tool shed where he can find stuff to help him escape, or together with some other prisoners who may be inspired to help him or sacrifice themselves for him, etc. In fact, why lock him up? Just faster kill him! (See Point No. 1 above)

8. Location, location, location. Don’t be tempted to base your HQ in some ulu place like a mountain fortress or under the sea or on board some space station. Sure, the remoteness of the place may be cheaper in terms of real estate, but don’t forget the transport costs.

9. When fighting the hero, don’t bother changing into a giant lizard or what. Waste time only, and you sure die anyway.

10. Save money by having your henchmen dress in civvies instead of making expensive uniforms for them just so your organisation looks ‘saht’.

11. Make sure you early-early negotiate with the hero for a cut of the movie and merchandising rights.