Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay where you are. We're coming to get you.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are over-anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.